BULWER-LYTTON CONTEST

     *These are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, AKA
     "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Dept. of San
     Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
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      10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to
      break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
      
       9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
      
       8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
      unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
      azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for
      competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
      defied description."
      
       7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
      crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
      
       6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
      narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to
      become the woman he loved."
      
       5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep
      her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
      
       4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
      penguins often do."
      
       3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
      cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
      
       2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
      meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger
      and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
      
       AND THE WINNER IS...
      
       1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
      along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle
      window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder,
      gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
      disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming
      madly, 'You lied!"
      
      (PREVIOUS WINNERS)
The horizon coughed up the morning sun much as if Atlas had lowered the
world from his mighty shoulders and given it the Heimlich maneuver.
--Bruce K. MacDonald, Scarborough, Ontario

"This is almost worth the high blood pressure!" he thought as yet another
mosquito exploded. --Richard Patching, Calgary, Alberta

Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon--to become the
woman he loved. --John L. Orman, Albuquerque, New Mexico

Thadump, thadump, thadump, the incessant pounding of Marge's breast against
his forehead was aggravating, but Lars wasn't about to complain, for this was
the closest he'd ever been to a real woman. --Tim Burns, Indianapolis, Indiana

Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking
out a living at a local pet store. --Richard W. O'Bryan, Perrysburg, Ohio

It was Sammy Slug's first day of school, and was he ever excited!--because
he'd meet lots of other little worms, but he had to watch out for salt crossing
the street on his way to school, his mother said, because if the patrol slug
waved him and his glob of little friends across the busy, dangerous street that
had been salted because of the snow, before Sammy knew it his little body would
be sucked dry, and his poor mama would never see Sammy drag his slime across
her doorstep again. --Enid Shomer, Gainesville, Florida

As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the
sound chamber he would never hear the end of it. --David C. Mortensen, Pocatello, Idaho