WHAT IS ATLANTA, AND HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, Georgia, has ever lived in
Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows
anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard
of Atlanta.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets.  The only way to get out
of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over.  Making three right
turns and then a left (even if allowed) will get you so lost, you may 
never see your family again.

All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase,
"When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, where all
directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken."

Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused
with:

Peachtree Circle
Peachtree Place
Peachtree Lane
Peachtree Road
Peachtree Parkway
Peachtree Run
Peachtree Terrace
Peachtree Avenue
Peachtree Commons
Peachtree Battle
Peachtree Corners
New Peachtree
Old Peachtree
West Peachtree
Peachtree-Dunwoody
Peachtree-Chamblee
Peachtree Industrial Boulevard

People living around Atlanta only know their way to work and their way
home.  If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down
Peachtree.

Atlanta is the home of Coca-Cola.  Coke's all they drink there so don't
ask for any other soft drink unless it's made by Coca-Cola.  Even if you
want something other than a Coca-Cola, it's still called Coke.

The gates at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport are about 32
miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch.

The 8 am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM.

The 5 pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts
Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2 am Saturday.

Only a native of Atlanta can pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not
attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads
to the right and stare at you.  The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawntz duh
LEE-awn."

And yes, they have a street named simply, "Boulevard."

The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all
traffic rules.  If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for
three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes
for a week.  Overnight, all grocery stores will be sold out of milk,
bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer.

I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta, which has a posted speed limit
of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph (just to keep from getting
run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500."

Don't believe the directional markers on highways: I-285 is marked
"East" and "West" but you may be going North or South.  The locals
identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer
Loop."

If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast.

Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta.  Just go to one of the
interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless
your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a
full clip.

Possums don't really "sleep" in the middle of the road with their feet
in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a
couple no one has seen before.

If it grows, it sticks.  If it crawls, it bites.  If you notice a vine
trying to wrap itself around your leg, you have about 20 seconds to
escape, before you are completely captured and covered with Kudzu,
another ill-advised "import," like the carp, starling, English sparrow,
and other ''exotic wonders."

It's not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

"Fixinto" is one word (I'm "fixin to" go to the store).

Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when
you're 2 years old.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

"Momma-nem" means: How is your Mother and all of the other children and
other members of the family doing.

If you understand these jokes, forward them to your friends from
Atlanta, Georgia and those who just wish they were.

Lordy I do love ATLANTA